Sunday, 26 May 2013
I am scientifically speaking, fairly ugly. When I was younger I always dreamed of being pretty. I was of the opinion that good-looking women have it only easy in life. They are allowed to do everything. They can play the princess. They can have bad grades. They can say bitchy things and no one will contradict them, because they are beautiful and desirable. The boys want them as girlfriends and the girls look up to them. They don't want them as an enemie so they pick them as a friend. They get flowers and love poems from cute, awkward guys. And they can cry and will be cared about. All their problems matter, and I have to suck mine up.
Of course, I was always got consoled with, or consoled myself with the statement that personality and intelligence matter more. I didn't really believe it but I thought that they at least matter a BIT.
A few things happened. I noticed that looking ugly maybe has its own advantages in the mating world, because I believe that guys assume I am friendlier and work harder in bed, which may or may not be true.
But something else happened, too. I noticed I am crazy. According to the new dsm I have many, many illnesses. I can be diagnosed with several 'personality disorders'. It hasn't happened to me personally, but I know it WILL if I continue to say what I think: people will tell me that my arguments are 'emotional' and thus wrong. 'paranoid' and thus wrong. that 'I worry' and worrying is 'wrong' according to what CBT-therapists say. That I have made certain experiences in life and cannot be trusted. Basically all I think and feel is not 'real'. I have many BAD personality traits, such as being "neurotic". I ruminate too much, I am not friendly enough my social interaction is poor, everything is 'poor' and 'in need of improvement', including these thoughts of mine that tell me I have the right to be angry and have my own personality.
I am entirely DYSFUNCTIONAL. A term that always irked me because it remids of a machine, and it reminds me of concentration camps.
But it makes sense. I am not f al too much use for other other humans, compared to others of my species. I am actually kind of a burden (or I could easily become nothing more than that under certain circumstances)
This makes me wonder: if all I AM is wrong, and only the things that are uncharacteristic are right. If this brain is entirely disordered. If nearly all synapses have to be changed, and feeligs need to be opressed with chemicals, so they don't lead to reactions that could bother anyone.
WHY NOT JUST SHOOT A BULLET THROUGH MY BRAIN??
that would solve everyone's problems.
I tell you why. Because the people around me also have a feeling that they 'matter'. And they -irrationally- associate good stuff with the shell they see. Kindness (meh...idk), submissiveness perhaps (fail), being funny/humorous (not anymore), being positive (aaaaaaaaaahahaha!!!). Even when it's evident it's emptied of these things, they still love the shell. Maybe my smile, my voice ect.
I think the solution is this: bullet through the brain and create a robot for the family so they don't suffer. It shall be possible these days. The robot would smile, and smell good and speak several languages, and maybe even laugh at jokes, with a 'shuffle' system so the laughter seems coincidental. It could give hugs and fulfill their wishes (coffee, food, having a job, work hard...)
People often wonder if robots will take over the world, or maybe, if WE will abuse robots, as in the movie A.I.
I think people will become depressed because they realize their own meaninglessness. They realize THERE IS NO LOVE, it will be rationalized away, and they are replaceable. Maybe we will all just kill ourselves, because when we say looks don't last and don't matter, and personalities are perfect or imperfect, and must be made the same, we do so anyway. (we kill what we are)
Thursday, 25 April 2013
- people who don't express their emotions naturally, but always smile because they think it “kills their enemies” (there are exceptions when the “grinner” knowsthe grin will be perceived as bitchy. Or when they mock others whoact that way. In these cases they aren't hypocrites)
- people taking pride in tolerating intolerable stuff.
- over-emphasizing the aspect of“choice” and thus guilt when it comes to suicide or mental illness. "Over" means more than you would in a situation of self defense or anything where a person can feel similarly desperate.
- people making their bones jut out for pictures.
- “advice” -usually the advice tosee a shrink- as means to put someone down. people who do that that are one of the reasons why actually seeing a shrink is still regarded as shameful.
- The overuse of the words “childish”“immature” and “sick”. Everyone hushes because who wants to be immature. But apparently being adult and nornal means being emotionless and carefree about important things, and to fit exactly into the standards the media tell us to meet.
- The dismissive statement “you base your arguments on emotions and not facts”. Better to say I am against Social Darwinism because it is cruel, than "Social Darwinism is good because OOH! The economy! I know NUMBERS”
- Social Darwinism (who would have thought?)
- The overuse of the word “abuse”and its whole word family. No, if someone who is depressed and needs me to be there it is not “emotionally abusive”.
If my parents believe in me when I don't, and can't look in my head and see how pressured I feel, they are also not “abusive”.
You aren't being abused every time you feel a bit uncomfortable. There will always be situations you don't get along with or where can't fulfil someones needs or expectations.That's life.
- when people who suffered become assholes.
- people taking pride in bottling up their emotions, or fishing for compliments. I understand how they feel, I used to be that person, but think of the social consequences.
- arrogant doctors
- schools and teachers taking away the fun in learning
- looking down on people who work hard.(E.g. at McDonalds or Walmart)
- intellectual vanity
-girls feeling special or superior for“not being a girly girl”.
- the fact that there are more toys for little girls than boys, because pink = girl. (that was at least my experience when I was shopping with a woman wo needed something for her son)
- body shaming. No matter if fat,skinny, hairy and which gender.
- jokes about rape
- and even more than that: the people who argue that the funny part about rape jokes is how people get upset. As if it was te decent population's fault.
- when someone says “free speech”or “I am against censorship, so I won't censor myself” after being criticized for saying something offensive.
- people assuming you are “playing games” or just a terrible uncaring person when you need time for yourself or simply don't want to be so close.
- people claiming (or rather bragging with how) they know “big words”
- The grammar police
- sex as a status symbol
- people who think they need to be rude to be honest
- moral lectures when someone is already doing good. “you'd do more good volunteering at a nursinghome than protesting” “if you are vegetarian you mustn't wear leather shoes, you hypocrite”
- the movie 7 lives
- the song “song to say goodbye” by Placebo
- forced sterilization
- patent rights on food and medication to the disadvantage of the poor and unprivileged
- people knocking at my door because“it was on their way” or something, without calling.
- chatting online
- the winter
- the fashion police
-Every time I didn't say what I really think to avoid an argument on Xanga.
- getting my period
- when one earring is missing
- Cinderella stories where the “ugly”or “awkward” person gets a partner ...after a make over.
- children being labelled with several“disorders”
- The dismissive “I pray for you”or “I hope you resolve your issues”
- atheists being offensive to religious people because they think it is funny, and ripping their faith away. I can imagine some of them standing at my grandmothers death bed and debating with her whether she should be "the problem in this world" and believe in heaven, because "it kills people".
- silencing people by labelling them ill. Not just in the blogging community.
- “the right to know where out come from” messing with other rights. I don't think it is so important. Give these people a free DNA check for illnesses and leave it at that.
- when someone leaves trash in the kitchen sink (tea bags etc )
- reckless drivers.
- that education is so expensive.
- that there is no open access to everything.
(What we need is more tests that have ahigh standard, but allow educating yourself.)
- that homeschooling children is forbidden in Germany
Friday, 15 February 2013
who wasn't afraid of them as a kid? I'd often lay awake in my bed wondering what I'd do if I saw one approaching to destroy me.
When I saw shooting stars I'd always make a wish...it often was that it wouldn't reach the earth.
Of course these 'childish' fears subside as we get older; we have more important, mundane things to worry about than the small chance that a meteor doesn't get burnt in the atmosphere.
When they announced DA14 would be passing the earth, I was a bit annoyed by the hype...after all it wouldn't reach us. Of course I read the stuff that was presented to me, and decided to be glad that, even though we can't keep destructive 'space objects' away, especially not when they are large and consist of metal (as in Armageddon), people can determine where they are likely to land ...more or less... so you can be cautious and....well, ok, I hope the possibilities there improve. But I'm glad they are working on it.
Just when I 'decided' that the next fatal meteor crash isn't likely to happen during my natural lifetime, and told myself that everything would be ok, scientists would figure things out soon, and that if it happens there'd be a warning and I'd drive away soon enough, and almost had forgotten about it, I hear that over 500 people in Russia were injured....by a f-ing meteorite and it was NOT linked to DA14.
In other words it came totally out of the blue. I mean yeah, it still isn't likely that I (or you) die that way but still. Sort of scary isn't it?
...I am fascinated by how calm that driver stays (does anyone understand what he says?)I also have to admit that part of me is jealous I couldn't see it live ...but actually I am glad.
here another link with more videos:
finally, thanks to theearth storyon facebook for bringing that and other randomm interesting stuff to my attention.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
you know what's selfish?
when a person hurts themselves, punishes themselves, doesn't lay finger on anybody else, and then OTHER PEOPLE come along and whine: "boohoohoo stop cutting yourself" "boohoohoo my relative/friend has an eating disorder" or what the fuck ever. Oh you poor thing your child/friend/relative is CUTTER?? How dare they be so cruel to you!!
Usually these selfish ****s say the other part is guilty of "being manipulative", because they feel their own poor feelings hurt.
Don't get me wrong. I do see the logic in that- their feelings being affected I mean. Everything we say or do has an effect on others. If someone I love would hurt themselves I'd feel sympathy. And of course everyone has the right to talk about their thoughts, even when other people are involved. Sometimes it's hard. And there are exceptions where the 'whining' is legit...e.g. when you are 12 years old and your parents are alcoholic, but YOUR legal guardians there isn't a lot you can do. Et cetera blah blah.
However I am obviously talking about an accusatory tone, in which people talk about and to these 'cases' more often than not. "suicide is selfish!" "this is a selfish disease!" "have you ever thought about what you DO to your parents?"
The accusations are based on the idea that these people should fucking take care of their own bullshit. Make the right choices. Also, easy to insinuate manipulativeness, when you too see yourself as the center of the universe. The other person should just stop with their behaviour, after all it "is NOT normal" and no one is entitled to do anything that is listed in the dsm- to be so socially unacceptable, embarassing and to annoy you!
If you see yourself in that selfish person, I could suggest to be a little nicer to someone who evidently hurts themselves in the first place, and therefore must be feeling very stuck and desperate. However I risk being accused of being an 'enabler' or whatever dubious 'professional' word will come to your mind. 'Helpers syndrome' would be another one. At very least you will accuse me of picking sides. You think I care about them, but they shouldn't bother you with their shit by having scars and wounds, and fat or skinny bodies, or such ugly things, these evil attention seekers. (who needs human affection after all! wimps.)
I have a piece of advice for you: stop being a hypocrite. To be frank, you'll make yourself look ridiculous when you evidently can't follow your own advice and "take responsibilty for your feelings" "talk to a professional who at least gets money for listening" "get out of the victim role" and last but not least "CHOOSE to be happy!". Guess what you have no right to tell other people what they do to their own bodies. Choose to not be so (fake) affected.
Drop the other person already- you don't care about them anyway. You only 'love' a perfect image of them that you made up in your mind. You don't love them. Don't torture them with your politically correct "I care about you" shit, only to break all your promises and make them more confused. Be honest with yourself and others: you don't give a fuck about what they feel.
...or to say it more friendly: make clear that you aren't a person to turn to, because you will not be ready to deal with them, and hope they find someone who does.
If you are in the position of the desperate self mutiliator: my honest advice is don't listen to this "reach out" BS. (well I guess there are people you can talk to but be careful) People want to play the hero without making a great effort when they say that. They will be overwhelmed, and they are self-centered so they will not just drop you, but tell you how inherently worthless you are for not complying. "you have no right to be you" "if you don't WANT (my magical 100% correct, professional, irreplacable) help ..." In the end you must help yourself anyway, so better start doing it now. I say this because I am nice.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Today, my friends, is the 12th of December 2012 and it was just 12 minutes and 12 seconds after noon, in my time zone.
ISN'T THAT AWESOME???
Since the year only has 12 months, this is in all likelihood the last time we see a date like this, unless we live to 01/01/2101.
Somehow I am fascinated.
I remember last year I was equally fascinated about 11/11/2011 11:11 (I mean that was even cooler somehow), and I sat in front of my laptop trying to get a picture like the above, but I was extremely tired and literally dozed off in the right moment. I felt like that was symbolic for how I "doze off" in many important situations and my life passes me by.
So isn't it a wonderful reminder of how every moment we experience is unique and never comes back??
Enjoy the day!
(and I know, what an original idea for a post today )